i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
