Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
