I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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