I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
