The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
