Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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