someone owes me an orgasm
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
