dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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