too bad you live with your parents still
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
