Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
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