sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
