Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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