Don't make out with my wife yet
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
