I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
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