life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
