ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
