remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
