I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
