it was like his penis was on wheels.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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