just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
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