I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
