Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
