The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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