we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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