remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize