I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
