I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
