I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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