I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
