did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
