Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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