sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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