12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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