just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
