I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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