hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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