So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Randomize
