My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
