Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
