I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
