We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
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