You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
