just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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