those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
