i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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