I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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