Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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