I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
