dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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