A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
So much Jack, so little girl.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
