My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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